


Don't Han Me, Bro

by jadebloods



Series: HSWC 2013 Fills [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, HSWC, Homestuck Shipping World Cup, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Prompt Fill, moirail babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 01:37:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadebloods/pseuds/jadebloods
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG: Are you still on that shit<br/>TG: The whole manboychild Neverland thing<br/>TG: Sup sup call me Bro the names Bro Im 25 and I got two drgees but I still sleep on a futon<br/>TT: harsh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Han Me, Bro

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fill for the HSWC Bonus Round 1, with the following [prompt](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/3493.html?thread=384933#cmt384933):
> 
> "I have three kids and no money! Why can't I have no kids and three money?" -Homer Simpson, _The Simpsons_
> 
> I colored this to make the text easier to differentiate, although the guardians should technically be typing in black.

TG: You will never guss what just fcuking happened 

TT: you wanna bet money on that? 

TT: you just got a high-velocity package from the stork. 

TT: force equals baby times acceleration. 

TT: how big is the crater? 

TG: Omfg 

TG: Are you 

TG: A WIZARD??? 

TT: nah. 

TT: got a bundle of joy of my own the other day. 

TT: man, i really liked that record shop too. 

TG: Are you still on that shit 

TG: The whole manboychild Neverland thing 

TG: Sup sup call me Bro the names Bro Im 25 and I got two drgees but I still sleep on a futon 

TT: harsh. 

TT: look, call me crazy but when you get a message from an old friend out of nowhere all like 'dude something weird happened to me', maybe there's more than a coincidence at work here. 

TT: i'm pretty sure you didn't just message me out of nowhere to poke fun at my hobbies and hopes and dreams. 

TT: who am i kidding. 

TT: of course that's why you messaged me. 

TG: U think its Crocker dont you 

TT: what? the baby thing? 

TT: i'm not one to speculate. 

TG: Bullshit 

TG: It kinna reminds me of like... 

TG: Ok so 

TG: U know hwo when they send new supplies to tje lab 

TT: the mail drops, yeah. 

TT: i remember. 

TG: Ok srs business aside 

TG: Can we just reminiscicene for a min 

TT: is reminiscing about the 'good old days' that weren't actually all that good still your pinot grigio ritual? 

TT: i gotta admit i don't really understand this culture of living in the past. 

TT: girl, i look to the future. 

TT: my ten year plan is something fierce. 

TT: i speak the language of revenue so don't talk to me unless you're fluent in cold hard cash exchanged between closet perverts desperate for a velvety fix that yields to the touch and conforms to the body. 

TG: Oh my GOD 

TG: Could u pleeze shut up for just a min 

TG: And let me imagine u naked and nowhere near a fucking smuppet 

TT: afraid i can't do that. 

TT: you know it's for the best. i mean yes it was satisfactory at the time, but there's no fruit to bear down that road, know what i mean? 

TT: what i'm saying is, 

TT: leave it in the past where it belongs. 

TT: i think that was my entire point this whole time, actually. go me. 

TT: hey, speaking of bearing fruits. 

TT: weren't you about to say something about a baby? 

TG: RIGHT 

TG: Yeah 

TG: The meteorbaby 

TG: Shes cute as fuuuuuuck 

TG: But like 

TG: Idk man I dont keep dairy around 

TG: Can I feed her Cheetos??? 

TT: hmm. 

TT: maybe if you soak the cheetos in milk. 

TT: i'm pretty sure babies like mushy things. 

TG: Oatmeal? 

TT: no like. 

TT: fuck, i don't know. 

TT: guacamole. tartar sauce. 

TG: Sweetie those are condomints 

TG: Condom mints 

TG: Sweet turndown service right there 

TG: I would patronize the FUCK outta that hotel 

TG: Condiments* 

TG: What about mashed potatoes? 

TG: Mashed pumpkins 

TG: I feel like mashed things are good 

TT: wait, i got it. 

TT: i solved the fucking mystery. 

TT: applesauce. bam. 

TG: U know 

TG: Things liek this were always easier when 

TG: We put our HEADS together 

TG: You should come back 

TT: what, you mean work at skaia? 

TT: fuck no. 

TG: Its not like I dont find the whole puppet thing charming or that its a total turnoff or anything that you arent using your engineering degree 

TT: speak for yourself. for all this talk of days gone by, you seem to have forgotten that i was a double major. 

TT: and i'll have you know that ancas afelpadas brings in almost as much revenue as the main site already. 

TT: that shit's catching up. i bet in five years i'll be making twice as much from the spanish-language mirror than the main site. 

TT: i don't mean to brag but you're talking to a mogul, girl. 

TG: Hang on while I retrievev my panties from the wall 

TG: Damn panties howd u get there 

TG: Dont fly off like that w/out writing a note or something 

TG: Gracias por favor 

TG: Ok joking about ur buttocks aside 

TG: Because in all honesty I dont think I could bang a dude who earns his living peddling squishy ass 

TG: No offense 

TT: none taken. 

TG: Right 

TG: What I mean is 

TG: I dunno 

TG: We were good in other ways 

TT: yeah. 

TT: yeah, i can't argue with that. 

TG: Also Crocker doesnt pay me nearly enough on a postdoc salary to raise some meteor sprog on my own 

TG: Thats why I was thinkin 

TG: If you came back 

TG: I dunno 

TG: Might be easier together 

TG: Two heads and all that 

TT: i see where you're coming from, but i can't leave this place. 

TG: Becuz your futon has crusted to the floor? 

TT: that, and because there's a loophole in the law here that actually makes my operation legal. 

TT: which is hilarious when you consider the fact that it's still illegal for a woman to buy a vibrator in the great state of texas. 

TT: but a guy like me can peddle all the "squishy ass" they want because it's actually a performance piece. 

TG: Wait WHAT 

TG: Thats illegal there 

TG: What does Texas have against orgasms dude 

TG: Thats terrible 

TG: I feel so bad for all those women :( 

TG: Those poor Texas ladies 

TG: Woefully undergasmed 

TT: i do what i can. 

TG: Gross 

TG: Wait I though you stopped dating the laideez 

TT: stopped isn't what i'd call it. 

TT: indefinite hiatus. 

TT: anyway you misunderstand me. 

TT: my customers are pretty split along gender lines, actually. 

TT: you'd be surprised at how many ladies go for the plush rump that you so readily denigrate. 

TG: That is 

TG: SO WEIRD 

TG: But ok 

TG: Maybe Ill ask Crocker for a raise 

TG: Got mouths to feed and shit 

TT: hmm. 

TT: tell you what. 

TT: there's no clause in your contract that says you can't consult on the side, right? 

TG: No...... 

TT: maybe i could hook you up. 

TG: Do u really need my services at your inaminate porn empire??? 

TG: Like Im not here to judge (OBVIOUSLY) but what could I possibly help u with. 

TT: voice acting. 

TG: Oh my GOD 

TG: Are you serious??? 

TT: i am so fucking serious right now. 

TG: ... 

TG: ...... 

TT: dot dot dot, yes, go ahead and finish it. 

TG: ......... 

TG: I dont know if this is going to be hot or weird 

TG: Probably more weird than hot 

TG: Whatever man I got mouths to feed 

TG: I dont want co-creator credit on any of this ok? 

TT: deal. you're gonna have to buy a good microphone. 

TG: Oh no what have I done. 

TG: Baby Rose you better APPRECIATE what your mama is doing to keep ur ass in applesauce and diapers. 

TG: Wait 

TG: It was applesauce we agreed on right? 

TT: yeah. 

TT: you should start buying milk though. 

TT: baby rose is gonna need calcium. you don't want her to have osteoporosis when she's sixty, do you? 

TG: I dont think thats how it works but ok 

TT: rose is a good name. i like it. 

TG: Yeah 

TG: Whats urs? 

TT: dave. 

TG: Omg 

TG: Omfg Dave Strider thats so damn cute 

TG: You have to send me videos or photos or something 

TT: yeah, i can do that. 

TG: I am picturing u with like 

TG: Baby Dave on your back in one of those Mr Mom backpacks 

TG: Scoping out the juice aisle 

TG: Help 

TG: Help I cuted myself out 

TT: he's less cute when he's covered in shit from head to toe, but fortunately i got that one sorted out pretty quick. 

TG: Ok I know we said not to do this but for real 

TG: Can u imagine us 

TG: Raisin babies together 

TG: Raising* in retrospect droppin that g changes the meaning too much for comfort 

TT: can you imagine what freaks of nature those kids would turn out to be with us as parents? 

TT: at least as single parents their future therapists will have something to blame it on. 

TT: "well obviously little rosie was lighting classmates on fire because she suffered from not having a strong father figure growing up." 

TT: come on sweetheart, think about what's best for the children in this scenario. 

TG: Yeah ok 

TG: Rosie aint gonna be starting no sick fires though 

TG: This gurl 

TG: THIS BB 

TG: I can see it already 

TG: Shes probably bound for destructive tendencies but I dont think shes gonna be a pyro or anything 

TG: Sigh 

TG: Ok I should probably go buy some milk and Cheetos 

TT: applesauce. 

TG: Right 

TG: Hey? 

TT: yeah? 

TG: I love you 

TG: Not like THAT 

TG: This isnt a Thing 

TG: Im done with that I promise 

TT: i know. 

TG: ... 

TG: ...... 

TT: oh for the love of christ. 

TG: Dont Han me Bro 

TG: Dont be like that 

TT: fine. 

TT: i love you too. 

TG: <>

TG: Wait that was a typo 

TG: Oh whatever 

TG: Applesauce 

TG: BYE


End file.
